i spent the night with kristen again. 3am, the hour of the wolf. her sheets are damp and the nurse is changing them. this is the second time tonight. i can hold her hand. i can rub her cheek. but i can't run this marathon for her. i can't even walk a mile.
she is sleeping again and the sound of her breath calms me. i am thinking of my girls at home and wanting to be with them. i half-dream for an instant. i imagine kristen's enormous red heart at a gas station in new jersey getting a fillup. the nozzle is connected to a long black hose that loses form as it connects to this amorphous crowd of people (smiling, floating stick figures) sending themselves straight into her beating heart. this family, these friends are all we have. the rain outside is falling again.
Ben and Scoop,
ReplyDeleteIt was great to read your update today! It must be wonderful to have even a rough timeline for going home. It was also great to read your words, Kristen, and hear your "voice" on the blog last week. It seems as though everyone's prayers and positive energy are reaching you, and I'm so glad. The gas pump of loving energy is such a beautiful analogy/image. Scoop, I hope you have more moments in the warmth of the sun, either literally or figuratively, this week! Ben, what you wrote about wanting to run even a mile of the marathon for Kristen immediately put an image into my mind of all of us running a bit of the marathon for you both in a kind of extended relay...
When I read what you wrote about breathing to calm down before your surgery, it reminded me that I have many audio guided meditations and guided breathing exercises for calming nerves. Dirk's helping me upload those to his server so you can download them and listen. We're also sending you strong hugs and much love and hoping things get better every day.
Maritza